PUA Blogger

Hope all of you had a great Holiday this last week! We have been a bit slow here at CharismaTips.com on posting this week due to the holidays however to break our little hiatus here is a new podcast for your listening pleasure.

This week I received an Email with some great questions:

1. Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time.
2. Is sex really just an act for men?
3. What causes a man to fall in love?
4. Since men arent as emotional as women, how would a woman know that the man is in love with her are is falling in love with her.
5. Does having feelings for someone and in love with someone mean the same thing? If not could you explain the two..

Tune in for the inside scoop for the answers to these questions and a lot more!

Listen in on a phone coaching session with Joe as we talk about what to do when you don’t know what to say. We cover conversation starters, making statements that are more interesting, and even do some exercises in conversation skills. At the end I leave you with some homework to work on these skills yourself.

I was flipping through the channels yesterday and saw an episode about Women’s Buns. A quote from the episode linked above as she asks for an honest opinon:

Deacon: (about Carrie’s bun) Well, you know, in general, I think it’s, um––
Carrie: Just tell me.
Deacon: It’s ass ugly, girl

Now I admit I love a woman’s buns, but I HATE the “bun”. I don’t think I am alone either, after talking to quite a few men we are all in agreement, the hair in a bun look reminds us of an old librarian, not the sexy kind. I understand it is a quick and easy style to get your hair out of the way but please say NO to the BUN. Hair frames a face and by pulling it all back you might as well be bald in my book. A very pretty face is no match for the overwhelming ugli-fication a bun produces. Hairstyles that are up-do’s are actually pretty and let men see your neck, which is always a bit of a turn on, but the bun is in a class of it’s own.

I am not one of those guys who thinks women should never leave the house without being polished and put together. I love a woman who can be comfortable enough without makeup and not always have to worry about it. However I do love when that same woman can dress to the nines! Heels to a dive bar and sneakers to a lounge in the same woman is a huge turn on for me.

So do the pony tail, put a clip in your hair, get a sexy shorter cut, but please say no to the bun!

Flirting is a different experience for men and woman. Each gender has signals, some of which are unconscious, that they send when flirting and I will talk more about gender specific flirting behavior later. However, there are also general flirting behaviors that are universal in both sexes. As I said in previous postings, next time you are out in public, see if you notice these kinds of interactions between men and woman, or better yet, see if anyone tries them on you! Or even better than that, try them one someone yourself!

Some general signs of flirting include:

Eye Contact: Does this person make eye contact with you? Do they continue to make eye contact with you? In other words, do your eyes meet repeatedly? When they do make eye contact do they hold your gaze for several seconds? These are sure signs someone has noticed you and is interested.

Pupil Size: When you get close enough to someone to have a conversation, check out their pupils. Are they bigger? I am not talking about if you are in a poorly lit environment where everyone’s pupils have to be large in order to see. When people like what they see, their pupils increase in size and they tend to blink more. Dilated pupils are also a sign of sexual arousal.

Smiling: Does this person smile when they are talking to you? Smiling is a BIG signal. It reflects a whole range of positive emotions. If someone is smiling at you they are trying to send you the signal they are enjoying themselves and in the flirting world, smiling can go a long way to making someone feel comfortable and be open to being approached.

Personal Space: This is a biggie and one of the most important body language cues to look for and be aware of. If they enter your personal space, this is an excellent sign that they want to get closer to you. But beware and pay attention because if they enter your space too quickly, they’re more aggressive and you may not want to pursue it further.

Mirroring/Moving in Synch: Does the object of your attention change their body movements to compliment yours? Do they make the same sort of body movements? If so, they are trying to establish a comfort level and show their interest.

Face to Face: When someone is interested in you they face you when talking to you. They also position their body so their knees, legs, feet, and arms extend in the direction of the person they are interested in. Keep in mind if the opposite is happening, they turn away, cross their arms and exhibit very closed off body language. If this is what you are getting from the object of your affection, it is time to move on to someone else because they are trying to show you subtly they are not interested.

Attentive Listening: Is this person paying attention to what you are saying? Are they focusing on your conversation rather than looking around the room? Do they seem interested in what you are talking about? You can tell if someone is genuinely interested in what you are saying versus being fake and making small talk while looking for the escape hatch.

A word of caution: we all know flirting can be fun and exciting and lead to opportunities to interact with others. But one thing that is not mentioned enough when discussing this subject is that people need to exercise caution when getting to know new people. Meeting new people is great but we need to remember that every one has pure motives. So please exercise good judgment when giving out personal information such as phone numbers and addresses. If you click with someone you have been flirting with and you both decide you want to take it to the next level, start by getting an email address or cell phone number and meet in public for your first couple of dates. Until you get to know someone and feel comfortable be smart. If someone really likes and respects you they will be willing to take it at your pace.

Coming up next….gender specific flirting signals.

This week Freda and I interviewed Charles Orlando the Author of The Problem With Women.. is Men and we uncover some interesting topics such as Man Training, Why ex’s call Six Months later, A Man’s Man vs an Evolved Man, and what Charles says about what both men and women can do to have more successful relationships.

Part 1 of the podcast is below:

Continuing our podcast with Charles Orlando the author of The Problem With Women.. Is Men gives us more interesting advice on Man Training and much more.

Someone once asked me a party question, “Would you cheat if you didn’t know if your relationship was going to survive, you were very intoxicated, you met your fantasy person, and you knew you wouldn’t get caught.” Men almost always say yes. Women I find if honest most of the times say yes and those that say no, often have been cheated on so badly they are very strongly against cheating.

Cheating happens with men for several reasons. Men do have some genetic proclivity for spreading their genes among different partners. However I do not believe that is a major influence on our behavior in the modern world. Men do fantasize about being with many different women. I don’t think there is a man out there who wouldn’t if given the opportunity go through a period of having sex with multiple women at the same time and different times if there was no consequence. Many men secretly resent the fact that in their lives women have always chosen them and they have not had the choice with what women they want to be with. One of the biggest motivations for men coming to my workshops is to have more choice of women they enter relationships with, not just take the one who says yes to them.

I actually encourage men to take some time and don’t get in a relationship right away. Date around and have multiple casual relationships for a while. If men don’t do that they often will always have the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. “Sowing your wild oats” is an old phrase that clearly shows this is something men have done for a long time, and may need to do. Once they have dated around then they quickly realize a loving relationship is preferable to being a bachelor and they can be happier in a relationship without wandering.

While my personal experience the only cheating I have done was with someone who I had poorly defined relationship boundaries with. We were in an open relationship and I had sex with a woman when I got drunk on New Years Eve. My girlfriend and I at the time had talked about becoming exclusive but she still had not moved back to where I was living. I told her about my indiscretion the very next morning and our relationship was finished for good.

Ambiguous Relationship Situation

If we do not respect our partner or the boundaries of our relationship are blurry (broken up, working things out, time or distance separation) and the opportunity arises, men will cheat if they think they can get away with it. This was my reason. I really didn’t want to be in a relationship but I didn’t think I could find better. I rationalized because we were in an ambiguous situation I could still do it without consequences.

Our Fantasy Woman

Most men I have talked to will cheat at the drop of a hat if a woman so far above our league gives us the opportunity to. This comes from the resentment of men feeling they have settled with a woman they can get and not having the opportunity to choose women who are perceived out of their league. This is why men with more experience can sometimes be more faithful than men with less because they have been with their “10” and realize there is more to a woman than her looks.

Self-Sabotage

I would say this is one of the strongest reasons people in general cheat, both men and women. If people are unhappy yet are not willing to voice that, sooner or later they will subconsciously or consciously sabotage the situation. It is always easier to be broken up with than do it yourself if you want out. Cheating is often the reason we manifest to get out of an un-happy relationship. We feel trapped and human nature when feeling trapped and restricted is to try to get free. Also a jealous partner only makes us feel even more trapped, especially if we have been faithful. Jealousy shows a lack of trust. Some women feel jealousy shows men they care; to us it signals distrust. I have often said to other men about my girlfriends “If someone can take her away from me they can have her. It is her choice to be with me.” My lack of jealousy and restriction shows respect to her and the more I respect her the more likely she will not want to jeopardize that trust.

My view on relationships is a bit different. I set forward when I decide to get into an exclusive relationship that I cannot choose her fidelity for her. I give her complete freedom to choose to be with me or not. I of course will make my choices if she chooses to be unfaithful and those of course are the natural consequences of her actions. However I am not saying I forbid her or put any restrictions on her that are not of her own choosing. I also believe that it is my choice whether to be faithful and I have to choose that. All actions have consequences and those consequences are from my actions not from any restriction she puts on me. This may seem like play on words but what it does is remind each of us we are free to do whatever we want. It is only us that choose our actions; restrictions from outside will only make us rebel against them.

I also do believe in people making mistakes. During rough spots in relationships, with too much alcohol, and the opportunity arises it is easy to make a mistake. I want to know that I have the option to forgive infidelity because I didn’t put restrictions on someone. If I say “I’ll leave you if you cheat on me” up front and they knew that when they did it, I paint myself into a corner. I won’t regain any respect from them from taking them back and in fact could be encouraging them to do it again. However if I am facing that choice knowing it was their own restrictions they violated, I am much more free to be strong and see the situation out to whatever end. I may not take them back, but at least now the stage is set for me choose for myself.

Only communication will get you through infidelity and prevent it. Strong communication about the good times and bad will be what holds a relationship together. It may seem hard to talk about it when things are going badly, but that is when it is most important to do so. If one person or the other is not willing to communicate or get some help communicating, trouble is in the future.

This week Freda and I interviewed Charles Orlando the Author of The Problem With Women.. is Men and we uncover some interesting topics such as Man Training, Why ex’s call Six Months later, A Man’s Man vs an Evolved Man, and what Charles says about what both men and women can do to have more successful relationships.

Part 1 of the podcast is below:

Continuing our podcast with Charles Orlando he gives us more interesting advice on Man Training and much more.

An upcoming podcast I’d like to do is to actually record 45 min of phone coaching. I think it would be very beneficial to a lot of people to hear the process of coaching and would learn a lot from one person’s issues being worked on. If you would like to have the opportunity of a free 45 min phone coaching session please contact me at Dan@charismacoaching.org with the following:

Name: (first only is fine if you want to remain somewhat anonymous)
Age:
Brief Relationship History:
3 questions you have:
What the main point you would like to work on with coaching is:

By doing this coaching you are consenting for me to use this recording for public broadcast and promotion of Charisma Coaching. You will have full review of the final edit before it is posted.

If you don’t get chosen your questions may appear in a future QnA podcast I have.

Both Men and Women are encouraged to apply for this free coaching. Deadline for submission is 12/12/08 12noon PST

Please note by submitting an application your email will not be added to any marketing lists nor will you be marketed to for future paid coaching.